S – Feelings come up when I feel energy move in my body especially around my sex centre and if I feel activity there I feel ‘what’s happened here?’ I can sit on it and deny that that’s happening…..but then I was thinking I feel it’s me projecting saying it’s good if i’m like this in this way & i hate it so much & i come away feeling okay it’s a part of me and I felt this other part of me present. I feel controlled & I think it comes up a lot for me
& even though I don’t want to hurt anybody or do any damage, I feel slightly repulsed by myself feeling that neutral somehow. It’s like if I’m not doing any harm, that’s where I should be. I feel
I have to sit on myself. I felt that the part of me that feels this way,like I am accommodating I am willing to do that but there is a part of me that resents doing that as well. It seems like that’s part of it. There is an energy there.
J – So you are willing to give yourself up to make other people happy?
S -Yes, sometimes, it feels like that. It’s a theme through lots of areas of my life.
J – What would you do if you were fully you, in that particular hug, what would you have done differently?
S – I don’t know I just felt that was going on in me & it feels slightly dishonest in relationship – I don’t want to hurt somebody or their feelings.
J – What’s your fear of how you would hurt them? what’s the worst case?
S – I suppose lose the love they have for me.
J – Because of what? What would you be doing to lose the love?
S – I think, maybe not being as careful.
J – You are telling me what you would not do, what would you be doing or feeling?
Did you stand away?
S – A couple of times. I was more willing to be there than not.
J – You sound now a bit like a dead fish.
S – I was present. I don’t know what this is.
J – It sounds like you are frightened of your aliveness in your sex.
S – That is certainly something that comes up straightaway. I am frightened. I feel it’s going to do damage.
J – How? What’s the worst case scenario in that hug, what could have happened?
S – When I feel the energy moving, it feels wrong somehow. My feeling is that this is wrong. I feel a bit of shame or embarrassed. I feel that this person is going to think that I am after them. I sit back on it. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach.
R (woman) – S. we had a hug & I did not need you to hug me but it felt really nice & you said you were aware of your sex but I didn’t have a problem with that.
S – It’s noticing it’s happening & noticing what I do. I instantly felt myself just recoil a bit.
J – it’s good to speak of this shame. It’s a deep core cultural wounding for all of us born into a culture that’s both terrified of sex energy & completely off on one about it also. Our culture is a strange mixture of promiscuity, endless sexual invitation on posters, in pop songs & yet for most people I imagine that sex is running away from intimacy. One of the questions that might be really great to look into are is:- …are sex & intimacy beautifully married in me or not? & be curious about that … & to push your sex energy down, it happens, but here you can start doing something different with it – a hug can be orgasmic. It doesn’t mean you are going to be creating semen all over the place. It means that thats energy. Well let’s be clear about this, that’s part of the fear isn’t it? That you will be seen as a sexual predator if you have a feeling in your body? You are not a sexual predator. Maybe in some degree you are, like all of us but when that is simply a strand of aliveness, it’s very safe and you are more alive.
This energy, down here, feel it now. Close your eyes & breathe into your root. Where are you now? Put your hand up if your energy is dead, semi -dead, three quarters alive or very alive.
Where are you right now? That’s just energy.
S – I know it’s energy, I know it’s nature. I can’t control it. It’s like betraying myself somehow. There is nothing wrong with this. It’s that thing about the last few times after ejaculating, I’ve just burst into tears. I find it excruciating. That lack of control that I suddenly see, it’s really scaring me at the moment so I’d rather stay on the control side of it.
J – you are on a very profound journey right now of transmuting sex energy & part of that in the training is about learning how that energy moves around the body & how to use your breath and intention & where you are with your woman. Not control but to move the energy you can make love for longer & in a richer way, have more intimacy with it. So maybe it’s natural that when you start riding a bike, you fall off & you don’t like it very much. Your tears suggest to me a very beautiful longing. Regarding being with women you are not in relationship with & hugging them, the possibility of being aroused, it can be humorous & I did say really clearly, your partner’s response is theirs. They can look after themselves & if they want to step away then they will & it doesn’t mean they are rejecting your gorgeous manhood,
its just that they feel they may want to step away at that point.Your erection is welcome, your sexual aliveness is welcome, your tears are welcome.
S – In that space of am I really being true to what’s going on here? I don’t want to walk around with a stiffie in my pants If a woman is in a vulnerable place and she sees that, that’s not very good.
K (woman) – If I am in a vulnerable place it doesn’t matter whether a man has got an erection or not.
Su (woman)- It’s an assumption. That you know what she wants. That you know what she needs and you are taking care of her.
J – What if your desire to take care of the woman is the opposite of love, it’s just you fiddling about trying to manipulate the situation so that you don’t get into trouble. You can let that go?
Tim – Civilised consideration just takes us away from realness.
S – It feels so habitual, I don’t know how else to be other than considerate soft & huggy.
Tim – we’ve moved on from macho man who just wants to take and doesn’t care. Everyone who is here is because there is an element of sensitivity and they want to do what’s right. In that there is a balance to strike between over consideration which all men have a tendency to have these days and being real. Being responsible for yourself and not the other.
J – your male is a gift and it’s welcome and you’ll get called when it isn’t – and you can handle it.
Cr (man) – K. wanted to make love and it surprised me because we weren’t getting on and said no because I felt like I could abuse her. I said no way because if I don’t feel safe there is no way I’m going to do that and it felt good. I felt much more potent because I could say no.
J – YES this is the ending of fusion. It will take it’s time. The more separate you are, the more together you are, the more alone you are, the more intimate you are. This is what’s happening.
Ka. – I went away and found it beautiful. The honesty made me feel much safer with you.
Cr – I didn’t mind that you weren’t safe with it.
J – I would just like to make one point about male aggression. In this evolutionary journey of making love with intention and consciousness and transformational potential which is a journey, it has to stop at some point, man bringing his violence through his semen to woman. His unspoken and unacknowledged aggression and many women get to the point when they don’t want to make love anymore because they feel the man’s aggression, they don’t want it in their bodies . Often it will make the woman angry afterwards, because it’s energy. Is he dumping in her, emotionally? in a very real way, the way we do with the planet when we are discharging all our rubbish and expecting Mother Earth to transform that for us
instead of reducing our rubbish or being more conscious with our rubbish, owning our rubbish – recycling. So the penis can electrically. If the man can show up and say ‘I’m really pissed, I’ve had a horrible day. I would love to make love with you but I am angry” he brings consciousness, he does;t just let the woman be his dump. Then he can give the woman if he chooses, his semen and it will transform and the penis can do its job of electrically transforming the woman’s vagina. This is what you are moving towards when you speak you men, it’s amazing what you are doing here and it requires you to show up as a man with a penis, with emotions and to be able to say your own no and to be able to stand in your own ground and look after your own being and really be a bloke as well, not a new age half woman.
Tim – and just to be clear, making love doesn’t mean you have to give the woman your semen. No ejaculation is required.
J. (man) – I don’t feel much down there and I would like to and the truth of the matter is, I am pretty hooked on the whore in a woman and that turns me on. That’s the truth and there is a series called the Game of Thrones and there are lots of whores and they are lovely, they are serving the men . One of the heroes can relate to the whore and they have a love affair. I can identify with that. It’s the truth.
J – any responses from the women?
Sa. – you’ve gone up in my estimation a lot. It sounds very real to me.
An.- It feels like a juicy invitation.
W. – I can feel it but I can also feel the emptiness in the disconnection of the other aspects of the woman.
J. – I spent 20 years serving a woman. I still love the woman, I can adore the woman I’ve done weekends of tantra and energy and it comes down to I love the whore in a woman.
Joy – I sense your deep down rage. Do you want to go to the rage in that?
J. I want to shake